( Long, ranty and angry. I've gone over this subject a few times in the past, but I don't think quite to this length. )

And that is why I hate my family.

LIVEJOURNAL I FORGOT YOU EXISTED.

So today is WEDNESDAY and that means tomorrow is THURSDAY which means HOLY FUCKING SHIT I'M GOING TO SEE MY MOM TOMORROW FOR THE FIRST TIME 8 FUCKING MONTHS. I'M SO EXCITED YOU GUYS, DON'T EVEN KNOW, I THINK I MAY END UP HAVING NERVOUS POOS. That may be too much information but damnit this is my live journal and I WILL GIVE ALL THE DETAILS I WANT BECAUSE I DONT CARE RIGHT NOW though I may later and I will be embarassed about my lack of discrestion or however you spell it but I DONT GIVE A SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT MUTHAS!!!!! FDJSAEL HEEJEEEEEEEE HAPPY!!!!!

Man, I don't even know wtf we'll do, but we'll figure it out as we go! ADVENTURES IN THE CITY?!!? WITH MY MOMMY?!?! HEX YES!!!!! AHHH!!!

I have a pie in the oven. No, not the good fruity kind, but the weird meaty kind. They are taking FOREVER to cook... FOREVER brah!!! Oh welllll they will be tasty. I gotta meet matt in an hour. I'm bringing him lunch. Like a little housewife. OH WAIT THAT'S RIGHT I AM ONE LAWL.

So I'm addicted to Heroes. Oh god damnit. Hiro is adorable. SO ADORABLE. IT HURTS. I WANT TO SWADDLE HIM IN BLANKETS AND CUDDLE HIM LIKE A PUPPY AND FEED HIM BISCUITS.

NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Don't worry Prokopie, you didn't cause my death this time.

Okay, so I hate the show Medium. Very much. But I watch it anyway, sometimes. Because I have nothing better to do. But last night there was a creepy old man who scared some kids. But he was kinda creepy.

Anyway, I had a dream that this guy was crossed with the Scusie' guy from EuroTrip, and he was sitting on a bench beside me, and I was crying on my mom's arm. And then he came over and started patting my thigh and I freaked out being all "DON'T TOUCH ME. STOP TOUCHING ME. I DON'T WANT YOU TO TOUCH ME." And he just kept his hand on my leg, looking at me like I was some sort of freak, and how dare I talk to him like that. Creepy as hell, bro.

I slept for 19 hours. From 4 PM till 10 AM. It was shot with nightmares.

The one that gave me the most hassle was this:

I am not sure where it was, but I contacted Adam Prokopie. I asked him if he wanted to go swimming with me, and he said yes. So we met at the pool and we were swimming. It was fairly dark out and raining, but we didn't really care. As we were getting ready to go, I realized I forgot something on the other side of the pool, and as I was warm in the water I didn't want to leave it sooner than I had to, so I dived under neath to get to the other side. Two little boys, about 12 - 13 years old saw me and started to hold me down under the water so I couldn't re-surface. I couldn't reach them to hit them to hit or scratch at them and they were laughing and I was panicing. I woke up and I was still convinced I couldn't breathe and I was thrashing about in my bed and trying not to breathe. It was awful.

As some of you may not know, I already have a massive fear of water, and this dream really really freaked me out.


It also made me realize just how damn much I miss Prokopie. Why didn't you save me from those hooligans, Adam?!?! *shakes fist* <3

1. You can ONLY answer 'Yes' or 'No'.

2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone comments you and asks— and, believe me, the temptation to explain some of these will be overwhelming. Nothing is exactly as it seems.

Been arrested? — No
Kissed someone you didn't like? — No
Slept in until 5 PM? — Yes
Fallen asleep at work/school? — Yes
Held a snake? — Yes
Ran a red light? — No
Been suspended from school? — No
Experienced love at first sight? — Yes
Totalled your car in an accident? — No
Been fired from a job? — Yes
Fired somebody? — No
Sung karaoke? — Yes
Pointed a gun at someone? — Yes
Did something you told yourself you wouldn't? — Yes
Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose? — Yes
Caught a snowflake on your tongue? — Yes
Kissed in the rain? — Yes
Had a close brush with death (your own)? — Yes
Saw someone die? — Yes
Played Spin-the-Bottle? — No
Smoked a cigar? — Yes
Sat on a rooftop? — Yes
Smuggled something into another country? — No
Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes? — No
Broken a bone? — Yes
Skipped school? — Yes
Eaten a bug? — Yes
Sleepwalked? — Yes
Walked on a moonlit beach? — Yes
Ridden a motorcycle? — No
Dumped someone? — Yes
Forgotten your anniversary? — No
Lied to avoid a ticket? — No
Ridden in a helicopter? — No
Shaved your head? — Yes
Blacked out from drinking? — Yes
Played a prank on someone? — Yes
Hit a home run? — No
Felt like killing someone? — Yes
Cross-dressed? — Yes
Been falling-down drunk? — Yes
Made your girlfriend/boyfriend cry? — Yes
Eaten snake? — No
Marched/Protested? — Yes
Had Mexican jumping beans for pets? — Yes
Puked on an amusement ride? — Yes
Seriously & intentionally boycotted something? — Yes
Knitted? — Yes
Been on TV? — Yes
Shot a gun? — Yes
Skinny-dipped? — Yes
Given someone stitches? — No
Eaten a whole habenero pepper? — No
Ridden a surfboard? — No
Drunk straight from a liquor bottle? — Yes
Had surgery? — Yes
Streaked? — Yes
Been taken by ambulance to a hospital? — No
Tripped on mushrooms? — Yes
Passed out when NOT drinking? — Yes
Peed on a bush? — Yes
Donated Blood? — No
Grabbed electric fence? — No
Eaten alligator meat? — No
Eaten cheesecake? — Yes
Killed an animal when not hunting? — Yes
Peed your pants in public? — Yes
Snuck into a movie without paying? — Yes
Written graffiti? — Yes
Still love someone you shouldn't? — No
Think about the future? — Yes
Been in handcuffs? — Yes
Believe in love? — Yes
Sleep on a certain side of the bed? — No

So I bought myself the Harry Potter books for like, $85 which is a pretty good deal considering they were like nearly $200 at Christmas time. And I went on a Harry Potter rampage, but then I got distracted for a bit and stopped reading just a little way into the Fourth book. I picked it back up on Saturday and I just finished reading the Seventh last night. And DAMNIT I tried hard not to cry. DAMNIT DAMNIT DAMNIT TONKS AND REMUS WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GET ME GOING?! And every time I started to cry I had to put the book down for a good five minutes to get myself going again. But it was good to re-read them, and against my better judgement I read the epilouge. Okay, this was only my second time reading the last book, and the epilouge is still just as disgustingly disappointing, but I didn't feel as " GAHH" about it this time around as I did last. I really want to take an Xacto knife and carefully cut those last pages out, but I think I'd regret it.

And I'm worse than my mother right now I think. Yesterday I picked up my bed (a queen mattress on the floor.) and pushed it against the wall, picked up my 60 LB (like, 26 Kilo) suitcase full of clothes and put that somewhere and vaccummed and swept my bedroom. Then a few hours later while reading Harry Potter, I realized my feet were quite cold. So I got up and bent over to pick up my Ugg boots... my right knee was bending forwards as I squatted down but then something happened and it swung very harshly and suddenly to the right and did something AWFUL to my hip. I think it pinched a nerve. I was home alone when it happened and I fell over right quick because my leg couldn't support me in that position. Standing up, sitting down, going to the toilet, picking things up and laying down were awful awful awful. I finally was able to get comfortable on my right side last night (I found that the pressure alleviated some of the pain) and when I woke up I had nearly forgotten about it, except I tried to get out of that low-set bed wayyy too quickly and did something again. It isn't as bad today, but even sitting here typing this I can feel it twinging and pulsing. I can't sit for too long, I can't stand for too long, but it hurts to get into sitting or standing position. It suuuuuuuuucks so much.


Also, I found a great great great great drink. Make yourself a Milo. Make it however you want, with cold or hot milk, add some hot chocolate in there if you wanna. Hell, add some Milo to your coffee!!! Then, add a Cowboy Shot. Or some Bailey's. Best way to knock myself out at night short of taking Gravol.

They are GORGEOUS. My head is massive, I can't walk through doorways.

( Click for SEXY pictures! )

I'm kinda turning into a Henna freak. I ordered some offa Ebay a few weeks ago and I've been going crazy with it lately... my first attempts are kinda bad, but luckily they are on my skin, and I do a lot better when I henna other people. It is really exciting for me to do something creative, doing something with my hands, and I'm able to just find designs online and tweek them to suit my style, whatever that may be. I'm running out of skin, though, and Matt is running out of feet... I did Steph's hands, and the one where I did leafy vines are just gorgeous. Unfortunately, and I'm not sure why, the henna on her hands turned out to be really really pale :( But I think it's also just all the damage from the sun that keeps it from effecting their skin as much. I took some over to Granma and Grandad's when they had a barbie and did some on Aunty Theresa which turned out really well, and a nice flower on Grandma as well. Uncle Rob's daughters were there as well, so I did one girl's finger with a simple flower design and the other girl I wrote her name on her finger and another simple design on her palm. It was fun, and I love just practicing on people. Aky is hooking me up with his 'friend' and I'll be giving her henna tomorrow too!! I am so excited with all of this, and I've gone through 2 tubes, and given one to Steph and one to Theresa so they can get into it as well! They've asked me if I could order some for them off Ebay, as well, and I'll be needing to order more for myself in the near future.

In other news- we are moving back to Brisbane so Matt can start back at his job at the Call Centre on the 11th, and we had to give away Scooby :(. We had a garage sale this weekend and Scooby and the Budgies went to the same home with a very lovely lady... she gave us both hugs when she took him in the car, but I'm glad he's going some where that will take care of him. He's a really really good, sweet dog and I will miss him very much. It sucks so much walking into the house and half-expecting him to be at the door... or waking up in the morning and realizing I don't have to take him outside for a wee. :(

In other-OTHER news- Mom will be here July 9th!!!!!!!! She'll be here till August 18th, then she's going over to NZ for three days :D! Amie, you should meet my mom at the airport and be all "AMBER'S MOM I'M HER COUSIN AMIE AND I'M A THOUSAND BRANDS OF AMAZING!!" and she'll be all shy, or she'll be all crazy and emotional since it's been like 35 years since she's been over there in NZ...

K THIS IS AMBER OVER AND OUT AND STUFF

p.s. go watch The Boat that Rocked. I wouldn't have seen it if it weren't for Rove (aussie dude) and omfg it is such a great film!!!!!

HUG AND LOVE N SHIT

-Berkid

So Matt bought Michelle Bridges' book *one of the trainers on The Biggest Loser Australia* the other day. I started to read it and went to sleep. The next day or two I was feeling really really down, really depressed and I was a crying cry-cry. When Matt came home from work, I could tell I was really bringing him down so I went and started to read Michelle's book again. I got to a point where she was talking about choices and excuses, and that whole time I was thinking of all the excuses I usually give... too hot out, too dark out, I haven't got anything proper to wear for working out, etc etc. And I got upset with myself. So I put down the book, went into the living room and put on Dancing Stage Universe (thats what it's called here, DDR. I miss good ol DDR. I feel stupid saying DSU) and WiiFit for about 45 minutes and I was in a much better mood for the rest of the night. I signed up on www.Calorieking.com.au and I'm now on my way.

Last night is when I got started, which isn't the best time to do a workout, but I figure it's better then than not at all.

According to WiiFit, I weighed 83.5 Kilos or 184.09Lbs last night, and I know that you usually lose or gain a few pounds throughout the day/night. I hopped onto DSU as soon as I got up this morning and danced for about 45 minutes, then I did another 25 minutes of aerobics excersizes on WiiFit. After all that, WiiFit had the pleasure of informing me that I had lost 1.2 Kilos, or 2.56 Lbs, bringin my weight to 181.44 Lbs (82.3 kilos).

I know it's not a wise idea to weight yourself every day, but it is also just part and parcel of using WiiFit to find out my body age.

I really want to keep this up, because I want to get down to 70 Kilos (155 lbs) by the end of July.

One of my biggest motivaters is that I want to become a Mom, and I feel that I should be in the best shape possible when I become pregnant, for the healthiest pregnancy possible.

I have designated Saturdays as my "weigh-in" day.

I just read one of Rob's live journals and the comments and I was just thinking, "Holy crap I have smart friends... I feel so left behind (in terms of intelligence.)"

It was my favourite for a while... I don't even know how long ago.

Anyway, I'm trying to think of ways to be constructive and to keep myself from going crazy. I have this habit where I am absolutely silent when I'm by myself. Even when the dog is around, and it bothers me. I have been making more of an effort today but before I realize I've been quiet again for 20 minutes.

I have this idea for a tattoo, but I don't know how to carry it out. A small green maple leaf starting off on my shoulder, and showing the motion as it "falls" and changes colours, and as it "lands" on my hip it's red. I don't know how that would work though. I just want to get something for Canada. I was even thinking those little stars people get on their wrist, only a maple leaf.


This entry is taking a lot out of me.

Hey guys... I'm sorry for that last post and then ignoring the world.

I'm still going through a pretty hard time right now. I just had a talk to an old friend of mine (since 2000) and she asked me "Where's the Amber that FORCED me to be friends with her??" when I told her how lonely I felt, and I just wanted to go ballistic. Not on her, not angrily, but just freak out because I know I'm not that same person. I'm scared of leaving the house, I'm scared of getting lost, I'm scared of getting dehydrated and passing out on the side of the road (it's happened to me before, in Canada... I woke up on a street I had no clue I was on and someone picked me up and drove me home... a complete stranger. I was 14.) I am scared of people because I'm scared of my accent and how they will percieve it.

In Canada I could go anywhere and talk to anyone about anything. I had no problems striking up conversation, but I have such a hard time trying that here... sometimes I'm able to, but half the time I can't understand what the hell the person is saying!!! Then when Matt and I are leaving I ask him if he was able to understand that person and he usually can't. HOW THE HELL DO YOU GUYS COMMUNICATE?! It's like hearing words that could almost be English, and you only know what sort of facial expression to make by the facial expression the talker is making. I have a hearing problem to begin with...

I honestly feel like I'm the verge of a panic attack from how lonely I feel right now. I just want some company... I get out on Thursdays for belly dancing and Friday's I spend with my Mum in Law. I do have fun those days, and they are something to look forward to, but I'm a complete shut in between those dates. I mean, I'd love to have a puppy. Someone to talk to, to cuddle, to have some fucking interaction with... we can't afford one though, and we are thinking of moving to Brisbane (it's pretty sure we are) and good luck finding a unit that will allow a dog.


I envy SIMS. like, THE SIMS. Because when their social bar goes all the way down, the SOCIAL BUNNY appears and interacts until the Sim feels sane again.


The biggest thing that hurts me is that I was talking with Matt about the depression I'm feeling and he said he blamed himself and that hurt me more than anything because he shouldn't feel responsible for how I am feeling. I know he's doing his best for me, and I am so grateful for him and I love him so much. I don't feel like I'm being fair to him by feeling so down all the time but I don't know how to change it. I feel so shut in and lost and scared all the time... I don't know how to change it.

things are hard and they suck

So, I think it's about time I do a serious update.

Well, our new place is still pretty awesome, except for just a fewww little things. When we are in the lounge room watching T.V. at night, THE BUGS ARE AWFUL. You look at the ceiling and there's at least 50 - 70 Moths either on the ceiling or flying around the light fixture. When we get up in the morning, there's about 30 death moths throughout the house. It's gross and awful and I hate that.... the floors get covered in so much debris so quickly and easily it's so damn annoying. Our lawnmower just crapped out on us and our lawn is MASSIVE. ANNOYINGLY MASSIVE. We mowed the lawn not long ago, and we already have to mow it again. When I took my turn, I came across a HUGE, dead and decomposing cane toad. I came back in the house to ask Matthew to deal with it. I thought he might grab a garbage bag and dispose of it... he ran it over with the lawn mower, releasing the evil within the body of the toad. I'm glad I was far away and safe in the house when that happened... the stink, apparantly, was awful.

Matthew is going to be done at the Maryborough DETA office on the 13th, We'll be having a bit of a party on the 14th (as a House-warming and Birthday party) and Matt's first day of work at the Hervey Bay Tafe is on his birthday, the 16th. It's a drop in pay, it's a longer day, and it's further away, but I just hope Matthew is happier there than he is at his current job.

On Friday, Kathy (my mum in law) took me to Hervey Bay to do a bit of shopping. Matt has a new shirt, which he's kinda needed, and I have a cooler dress top, which is nice. We went for lunch on the Esplanade and I had a tasty, tasty, pretty salad!!
( Duck )

Annnd when we were done that we went for a bit of a swim. It was low tide, but we were in there for about 45 minutes, just talking. It was really really nice, just getting to know Kathy better and having her get to know me better too.

Later that night, Matt and I went and watched Ross Noble perform his comedy show... I don't think he really intended to say about 75% of what he actually did say. He was friggin hilarious!!!

And I'm just going to do a photodump. Too bad, so sad for you, but I haven't updated any pictures in MONTHS, so shush.

( mwahahahaha )

So Matt and I FINALLY sent off my Visa Application last week and I got a letter in the mail today saying that I've been granted a Bridging Visa A that starts as of February 27th, and it is valid until my Visa is approved. I'm not ALLOWED to leave the country, lol. But if something back home happens and I need to go back, I need to contact the government to issue me a Bridging Visa B, allowing me to leave...

BUT IM STAYING IN THE COUNTRY I WON'T BE KICKED OUT.

So Matt and I are nearly all moved in to our new place. It's gorgeous, except for the fact there's a massive red hornet coming my way.... Seriously, these hornets are HUUGE!!!  Literally half the size of my pinky. The house has it's flaws, for sure... it seems there used to be a rodent problem, but the house has been vacant for about 2 or 3 months, so all rodents have moved out.  Also, the former tenents had children who liked to write on the walls, so all day yesterday Aky and I scrubbed at the walls. I still have to tackle Matt's comic room which has the most crayon damage. Oh well.

Anyway, here are a few pictures!

 Me on the couch in the lounge room. It's such a big room!! This picture doesn't show all of it..

 This is our entryway/sunroom. We'll be putting a couch in here and  I think I'll be spending quite a bit of time in here.

 This is Matt's room. His comic/nerd room. It has more stuff than any other room, that's for sure.


 Our bedroom is the smallest room (except for the bathroom, of course) simply for this fact: Two walls have windows. Double chance for breeze!!!

 This is our dining room. Our table there isn't our ACTUAL table... we have a huge 6-8 seater table coming to us in some time next week. Matt's dad left it to him.  Matt n Rob just didn't have enough room in the ute to transport it.


And our kitchen and bathroom will come at a later date, simply because I'm tired of uploading on a crappy connection :)

Maaan... I'm so bored. Really, really bored.

onemanga.com is keeping me a bit entertained but I can only read Manga for so long without wanting to go crazy... or without my arse going numb.


GIVE ME THINGS TO DO. INTERESTING THINGS TO DO. PLEASE.